The Deepest Injury
by merder4lifetime
Summary: Shock to the System, Grey's second episode of the season gave us a shocking 32 seconds scene when Meredith reveals her miscarriage to Derek; this attempts to fill in what was left unsaid and off our screens between two people deeply affected by the loss.
1. Chapter 1

Undoubtedly, I do not own Grey's Anatomy or its characters. But, simply believe that Meredith & Derek are worthy lovers of legends, and as such find write to fill in the blanks when Shondaland, instead, fills the screen with so many other characters.

Every (fan fiction) story I've written was the result of watching Grey's and feeling that something was unfinished, incomplete, completely off-kilter for the two characters that keep me tuned in after seven seasons; the two characters Shonda Rhimes created, told us (even Rose did) they were "legendary lovers" and then for some reason the rug was pulled out from under us…as Derek said, "I fail her…over and over…and over…"

Well…last night's episode, in my opinion was well written, well acted and fairly well edited. However, watching the scene between Meredith & Derek, a total of 1 minute and 14 seconds, of which 32 seconds were devoted to her revelation of the miscarriage failed to meet all my expectations for the emotional intimacy one would have imagined and expected.

Many, including fan fic writers, have praised and hailed the brilliance of the one scene devoted to what Patrick said would devestate Derek. I respectfully disagree, as I needed something more; and as one comment on another board said, "she didn't lose a book, she lost a baby."

Meredith & Derek, it feels like to me, have become the carrot to dangle and then take it away as we've gone through all of these:

We've been shown engagement rings for weeks, but Mer doesn't want it; probably because he called her a lemon, told her there was no fixing her, and Rhimes advocated for Derek to say "fetch" to Meredith after batting the ring away. Thank God Patrick Dempsey had the good sense not to repeat those lines on screen. Their wedding day had promotions galore & its very own wedding registry asking for donations to a wedding that would never be, and we had to accept a post it note, as Rhimes said, fans needed to get over it (paraphrasing). Engagements, marriage…babies…families could be the normal sequence in life, except that Meredith's pregnancy was promoted for season finale, but alas, a miscarriage, then fertility issues.

Need I say more… 32 seconds of miscarriage conversation leads me once again to venting and therapeutic writing to fill in the gaps…the scenes that could/should have been, especially after reading this quote from the writer of the episode:

_Bill Harper on "Shock to the System"..._

_Finally, Derek and Meredith… _

_Derek is still living dangerously, in the OR and out of it. I like his speech to the Chief about driving. For one thing, Patrick Dempsey's own passion for racing comes through pretty clearly in that speech. But hopefully, it illuminates a little what he's been after by racking up all these speeding tickets: it's all about losing and regaining control, especially after his life went so completely out of control in the end of last season._

_And Meredith's going through a similar struggle. Keeping herself busy by looking after everyone else, trying to make sure Alex is okay, that Cristina's okay, that Lexie is okay, unable to see that the reason she's not cleared for surgery is because she's been refusing to attend to the deepest injury she received that day, the miscarriage. It's only when she admits it to Derek, that she can move past it; that she can admit that she has so little control over anything. I think it's interesting that at the same moment that Cristina's marriage is breaking apart as a result of the shooting, Meredith's is getting stronger, as many great partnerships are strengthened by adversity. And it's why Mer tells Cristina, basically, that whatever mistakes she's made, being with Owen is not one of them. And that she should stick. I'm really glad she does._

Based on what we saw last night, a glimpse at what feasibly could have transpired between these two characters between and after these scenes. I'm posting the first paragraph of what should be a one shot, let me know if there's any interest in reading more. Thanks & warm regards, Jasmin

**The Deepest Injury**

Derek had been stunned by Meredith's revelation of the miscarriage, words failing to express the depth of emotions the loss evoked, and all he could do was hold her; his touch meant to put her fears to rest. They'd walked away from each other reluctantly; inevitably necessary to maintain control; the hospital corridor hardly appropriate for further displays of a heartbreaking emotional breakdown.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for your comments and interest in reading my perspective on the "Incomplete Miscarriage," and hope it brings a bit of closure to that missing scene, and that you are not terribly disappointed in the way I've chosen to fill in the gaps. I've borrowed some thoughts expressed by the episode's writer, including the title. Your thoughts are always so very much appreciated. Warm regards, Jasmin_

**The Deepest Injury**

Derek had been stunned by Meredith's revelation of the miscarriage, words failing to express the depth of emotions the loss evoked, and all he could do was hold her; his touch meant to put her fears to rest. They'd walked away from each other reluctantly; inevitably necessary to maintain control; the hospital corridor hardly appropriate for further displays of a heartbreaking emotional breakdown.

Earlier in the day, Mark had driven him to pick up his car, both joking about the conversation with Richard and betting on how long it would take before he gave in to the exhilarating description Derek had provided; how long he'd resist taking on the challenge. The consequences of his actions, how it had affected Meredith, now weighed heavily; brooding as he relived every moment of a day they'd never forget.

Hours later, Derek waited for Meredith's shift to end; privacy a luxury they had not been afforded after their hallway conversation, and unbeknownst to them would be delayed yet again. Meredith approached the outdoor bench, lost in thoughts, surprised when bridging the distance he stood in front of her, and then walked in silence to her car holding hands. "I'll follow you home," he said softly, brushing her lips tenderly as numbness still held some possession of his heart.

"Are you ok?" she asked, anticipating his answer as she read the concern in his eyes.

Derek took a deep breath; the realization of what she'd told him reflected in the depth of his gaze. "I need to know if you are…"

"I'm ok," she smiled softly, though failing to reassure him, and then, repeating his earlier sentiments, "we're ok." The inevitable conversation could no longer be postponed, and she was glad they had two separate cars, the drive home alone gave her a sense of control, a reprieve of calm before the dark storm of emotions that would eventually help cleanse the weeks of avoidance and the reality that life, or call it fate, is always in control; no matter how much we fight it, all we can control is the way we react to life's unexpected and often devastating moments that lead to our destiny being fulfilled.

"Do you want us to drive home together?" he asked. "I can leave my car here."

"I'll see you at home," she squeezed his hand before he opened the door for her. "I'd rather you drive me in the morning," she said attempting for a light hearted tone that was far from what she knew they were both feeling.

Light persistent shocks to the system were an apt way to describe their day or rather the last twenty four hours of their lives, including the latest ripple as they found Cristina sitting quietly and pensive on their couch.

Derek knew the events that had unfolded in the operating room would have long and far reaching consequences, though he was unaware of the marital rift between the couple that had exchanged vows just about twenty four hours before. He was also totally and completely unaware of how to approach Meredith; hours had passed since he found out she had been pregnant and guilt and pain had began to settle deep in his very soul.

"Owen took her home," Meredith said as she walked in their room and began to undress, nervous ramblings filling the silence, "she was sort of me…freaking out…I told her she'd done the right thing marrying him, she loves him. He had this really great speech," she reached for the comfort of sweats, "but I set him straight," she looked at Derek and smiled, "told him I'd already fixed her," uncharacteristically she took the time to reach for hangers, "before he got here. It's what we do."

Derek continued to watch her, the tell tale signs of Meredith's claim to fine, the nervous fidgeting of her fingers as she reached for the much loved Dartmouth shirt. "I don't think he believed me, he'll learn…I told her it takes time…marriage…things…to give it time," and then the ever so slight intake of breath and he was immediately by her side.

"You're not ok…" Derek's hands rested on her upper arms, holding her as well as her gaze, "Mer…"

"I'm fine," she attempted for a second to dismiss his concern, but then she looked in his eyes, into the depth of his soul, and knew it was also his loss…the baby he'd talked about, tried to convince her and now would never be, and her eyes filled as she gave in to the comfort his offered, to the comfort she'd need to give him, and took a few broken breaths before quietly admitting, "Derek…" tears threatened to spill, "I'm not ok…" his hold on hers tightened, though his touch had never been more tender and loving.

"We're not ok," Derek whispered; admitting his own spiraling need for avoidance, his attempt to regain control, allowing her to finally give in to the heartache she'd kept tightly hidden away; allowing her to grieve for the loss of a dream he'd known nothing about for over three months, allowing her to give in to the emptiness and void created.

"Mer," they lay side by side, hands entwined facing each other, "can you tell me about it…share this with me..." one hand caressed her cheek, "maybe…I can help…"

Meredith nodded, "I told you…you can help…how you can…"

"No more speeding," he leaned in, brushed her lips with his.

"I can't…" she breathed deeply, "Derek…I can't …lose you too…" she said, and with those words began their healing.

"I'm here…I'll always be here," he promised her. "You won't have to worry again."

"You promised me," she said softly, "a lifetime…Derek…you did…"

"We'll have that…" he kissed her again, "we will Meredith."

"I'm trusting you…Derek…please, no more risks…no more speeding…"

"No more," he told her, and their eyes met and held as unspoken silent promises were made. "I won't let you down," he said before they shared a kiss that sealed the depth of their love and commitment, irrevocably, once more.

"What," she said softly, "do you want to know?"

"Everything…" he whispered while his eyes filled with longing for a child that was no more. "You were pregnant…that day…you didn't say anything…"

"I was going to," she said, "I was…but then…it was better to tell you at home…"

"You came to my office," he said, recalling that ill fated morning, "but you didn't…"

"You were so busy," she said honestly, "and I wanted…" she averted his gaze, "it felt right to make it…special…."

"Meredith," he said, "I'm sorry…so sorry…if I'd paid attention…I was so preoccupied…maybe then…"

"Nothing would have changed," she brought her hands to his face, cupping it lovingly, "we had no control…no control at all."

"Were you pleased," he said, "when you found out…we weren't planning it…"

"I was," she said, and a single tear escaped.

"We can wait," he said, "we can wait for you to tell me…when you're ready…"

"I found out that morning," she said, "it was such a surprise…but…" another tear escaped, "I was happy…we were having a baby…our baby…" and she felt his lips on her cheek, kissing the tears away.

"Our baby," he repeated, "we lost our baby," and then a heart wrenching sob as he faced the devastating reality of her words; the reality of a dream that had been taken away by the crazed actions of a mad man, and she held him, as he'd held her and the storm of tears flowed and cleansed the heaviness of their souls, and in the hours that followed shared the most heartbreaking, intimate and poignant conversation of their married life as she told him how she'd found out, Cristina's acceptance of being godmother, of the overwhelming sadness she'd felt when told she was five weeks along, of the unfairness of an incomplete miscarriage requiring a D & C and going through the procedure alone; and he shared his guilt that he was not with her, that she'd faced it alone to protect him, and the weeks of silence that had ensued.

Together they mourned the loss of a fetus they'd known nothing about; a baby she'd already loved in the few hours its presence was confirmed. Then, sharing the pain of the loss brought them healing, and they dreamed of their future, of a home filled with children, of dreams destined to be fulfilled.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N – 5/19/11 We all heard the spoilers, which are apparently true. I really wanted to post this version of the end to tonight's episode before it aired, because I think MD fans are going to be devastatingly disappointed. It's not the best, as I wrote it in a few hours last night & when I got home from work today & not much time to think about it, but, I hope it brings a bit of hope; the hope that will likely be crushed at the end of the evening with season finale._

_First three paragraphs borrow dialogue from sneak peeks This will never happen on Grey's, as here, they talk even if arguing. This was my way of getting things out in the open that we've never seen discussed on screen and always brushed off –if they're breaking up…at least fight about it! Let us see it on screen. I'm sure errors and needs edits, so I'll do that next week. But, here goes…before the end of the show airs in the U.S. I truly cannot believe we have yet another disappointing season finale for Meredith & Derek fans_

_Thanks to all of you that read, hope you will share your comments. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**The Deepest Injury - Chapter 2 - Broken Vows**_

Emotions and irrationality best described the hours following Meredith's dishonesty coming to light, signaling spiraling moments of darkness; emotions that clouded the judgment of two lovers fated to be together for a lifetime, two people that had recently repeated age old vows in the hopes of adopting a child; irrationality that could very well eradicate all hopes of becoming a family of three, and darkness looming over the future for marriage surviving.

"Meredith," Derek demanded, incredulous, still, of her actions. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Nothing changed," Meredith insisted, "nothing I did changed the outcome."

"Nothing changed," Derek said angrily, and his voice becoming low he spit out, "everything changed…the trial, the damage to this hospital…Meredith why…what possessed you to tamper with the trial…to betray…"

"There was no betrayal," she said, with an equally low tone and then defiantly. "I would do it again," her eyes filled with tears. "Derek, don't you understand nothing changed, it was one Derek…one placebo in place of the active drug …"

"You don't get it," Derek said angrily, "Meredith, you took matters into your hands," his exasperation palpable, "completely disregarding how this could affect the trial…the patients…us…"

"This has nothing to do with us," Meredith told him, suddenly trying to reassure herself and failing as their gazes met; and she knew it had everything to do with them, and became paralyzed with fear as he looked away from her, and understood that in a second's time her life, their future was about to change.

"I don't know how to raise a child with someone that doesn't know the difference between right and wrong," Derek told her, his eyes away from hers, the emotional schism inevitable, leaving them both vulnerable and heartbroken.

"Derek," she said, no longer defiant. "You don't mean that."

"I do," he said. "You betrayed everything we've worked for…all wasted…our trust…"

"Wasted," she repeated, his words suddenly angering her. "Trust…you speak to me of trust…"

"I can't trust someone that so blatantly…"

She interrupted him, her voice deathly quiet. "Blatantly what…what I did was try to help the woman you wanted to break the rules for…much worse than what I did…"

"There's no excuse for your actions," Derek told her. "Hunt was right...you're reckless and you've proven you can't be trusted," he said and immediately regretted the accusation.

"I can't be trusted," she met his gaze, her eyes reflecting what could become an impenetrable wall of steel, "and I'm reckless…" and then uttered the words that could become an impenetrable wall of steel between them. "Maybe you're right…I've been reckless since the day I chose to trust you…what was it you said," she mocked, "to take it all on faith…while you had a wife …"

"This has nothing to do with…" Derek interrupted.

"It has everything to do with this," Meredith said angrily, "when you choose to talk of trust…"

"This is getting us nowhere," Derek told her. "You can't admit you did wrong…"

"The only thing I've done wrong," she allowed sadness, disappointment in his reaction and heartbreak to replace the earlier feelings of anger, "is trust that you loved me…that you'd love me…even …" she threw their original vows back at him, "when you hated me," and without giving him time to react turned away from him and walked out the door.

Agonizing hours followed as Meredith and Derek dealt with the fallout, each torn by the presumed betrayal and abandonment of the other. Nothing as important as the crumbling walls of their love would get them through anything that fate decided to throw their way; yet now, an action born of unselfishness and compassion threatened to end the dreams of a home and family, shattering the once firm commitment that no legality could impose upon them and threatened all hopes of growing old together …hopes of sharing a lifetime.

Deep unsettling aftershocks continued to shake the foundation of the lives of the three original remaining residents, but all seemed to further distance Meredith and Derek.

Rays of hope, danced in an out similar to the morning rays of sunshine reflecting through the nearby window of a hospital children's room; the happy grinning adorable baby girl offering the only breath of fresh air in a day filled with dark, twisty and apparently irreparable circumstances.

Derek held Zola close to him; his heart conflicted, his emotions torn apart in different directions, and then made a decision, several in fact that could potentially inflict more pain and further damage his relationship with Meredith.

Meredith walked in the empty house; her heart conflicted, her emotions torn apart by proof of Derek's desertion; her soul turned dark and twisty once more, though against all hope she'd expected, that perhaps, the universe would treat her kindly this time instead of inflicting more pain in the form of abandonment. Abandonment by those she'd loved and trusted most; her parents and then…the most painful of all, the man she'd chosen to love, the only man she'd ever loved and trusted had chosen to abandon her as well.

Zola fussed and Meredith attempted in vain to appease the whimpering child, her heart breaking as she saw the infant look around for the missing half; the one solid constant that had been part of her life in the weeks since she'd arrived in Seattle; looking for he man that had professed his desire to be her father.

Meredith accepted her actions, no matter how much she wanted to justify them, had set off a chain of events that would affect her life and those around her for years to come. Reaching the second floor, in spite of his betrayal, she searched for Alex and found he too had chosen to leave, which was understandable after their argument, but she had not asked him to leave.

Meredith took a deep breath. She was on her own. There was no one to turn to, but, in spite of it, smiled at the unhappy baby in her arms. "It's you and me…baby…and I promise you…I will be a good Mom…just you and me," and fate or the universe must have decided to throw her a bone when the baby cooed back at her and gave her a beautiful, if teary, smile.

"Yes," Meredith smiled at her, "I'm going to be your Mama…and I'm never ever going to let you down…I promise you," and she kissed the baby, who stopped whimpering and cuddled into her, her tiny hand reaching to grab Meredith's hair.

Meredith spent the next few hours getting things ready for Zola and while holding the baby in the carrier brought in most of what she had been given at the hospital; then, resigned to being alone, placed Zola in the infant seat and when the baby closed her eyes and fell asleep, as quickly as she could ran to the car to get the portable crib provided.

Derek stood motionless, anger mixed with disappointment overwhelming him. He'd made decisions that may come back to haunt him, but he was determined not to give in to his need of her; as he'd told Mark once before, Meredith was like an addiction. He stopped himself and the bitterness of his thoughts. No matter his current feelings, how betrayed he felt, he'd done Meredith enough injustice, she'd forgiven him for every time he'd hurt her, and she deserved the same from him; regrettably, he wasn't ready to forgive her. They had been meant to be in this home together, he looked around the unfinished home, at what would have been a baby's room, one, he thought irrationally, her actions had obliterated.

The dark starless Seattle sky settled over the almost finished home, the home he'd planned for them; the home he'd meticulously built to share with her and nurture a family; the darkness, like an omen, gripped at his heart hours after he lay alone inside a sleeping bag, yearning for the promises of their broken vows, and the dreams that had been shattered.

Heartache born of despair began to listen to the depth of his soul, and Derek remembered childhood prayers and begged for guidance.

"It's ok," Meredith whispered to the whimpering baby as she paced the room. "Zola…don't cry," she kissed the baby's forehead tenderly. "I know…I'm not Derek…but, I'm always going to be here…I promise you…I'm never going to leave you…and I'm not very good at being a mom right now…but I'm going to learn…I am," she kissed her again as tears mingled with her daughter's, and the baby sensing her distress cried harder.

Meredith was too choked up to continue, but knew, instinctively, she had to calm down in order for the baby to do the same. "Zola," she whispered tenderly, her voice gentle and sweet, a sound her friends and husband would say was reserved especially for their baby, and continued to soothe the little girl.

"Zola," Meredith continued, "I didn't really have a mommy, well, I did…but she wasn't very mommy like…so I know what a little girl wants…and I'm going to make sure you have that," the baby's cries and whimpers began to fade away. "I'm going to love you so much…Zola…" Meredith kissed her again, and then the baby looked up at her, meeting her gaze. "I'm going to make you proud to have me as your Mama…" she said, and the baby smiled at her, and Meredith's heart leapt with joy, as with undeniable certainty she knew, she was meant to be exactly where she was and that this baby was fated to be her daughter.

Zola snuggled closely to her mother, as she was held, loved and protected in Meredith's arms.

Derek watched unobserved from their bedroom door, and finally had the courage to speak as he stood by the door.

"I think," his voice was low and hoarse and Meredith looked up instantly; regret and remorse etched in his features. "I know," his lips were pursed, unsure of her reaction and ashamed of his own, "she will be proud, " he took a deep breath, "to have an extraordinary mother."


End file.
